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|What are fathers suppose to be like when they return into their adult children's lives?
I as well as two of my best friends were all abandoned by our fathers as children. Each of our stories vary slightly, but all in all, we each have insecurities and emotional problems.
I have spent 12 years searching for my father and 3 years trying to establish some kind of father-daughter relationship, to no avail. I have realized that I must move forward and in order to do that, I needed to have closure. I no longer allowed myself to dream of what could be, because I have come to realize it was nothing more than a dream, which turned out to be one of the major disappointments in my life.
It's sad to think that I have dedicated more than ½ of my life to finding him, with the hopes that he would be like other fathers I have seen throughout the years, loving supportive, caring, and a pillar of emotional strength on which one could depend. I couldn't even count on him to give me 5 minutes of his time. I no longer see it as me failing, because I accomplished my original goal, which was to find him and get to know him. I did both of them and now my newest goal was to move forward and not look back.
I'm sure he has reasons for being the way he is, and at this point, I no longer want or need to hear what those reasons are. I have done a lot of soul searching and I have finally figured out that I don't need him in my life. I have a wonderful family and a mother, who has not only filled his shoes but did a better job than he ever could. Maybe someday, he will figure out what it takes to be a role model to his other children, I just hope it wont be too late. As he ages, he will look toward his children to help him get through hard times, and I'm sure they will be as reliable and supportive as he has taught them to be, through his own examples.
The above statements were sent to him in a letter 3.5 years ago and since then, I haven't had any contact with him.
I have tho, found 2 girlfriends who also were fatherless. For one friend, I helped find her dad and even tho, I was excited for her (he was like the dad I always dreamt of having), he wasn't as she expected and because of that, I feel, things are more difficult than they should be. She still has contact with him, but it's nothing like we had hoped it would be like.
My second girlfriend's father left when she was also a child. She is now, grown and has a family of her own (happily married to a wonderful guy, mind you). Her dad calls every now and again, but the last time she saw him was about 11 years ago. Well, this weekend, he came into town and they spent the whole weekend together. She now is very emotional, she's scared and very confused.
I told her that I think it's great that he's making an effort and I'm being as supportive as possible. I would rather have nothing more than to see her and her dad work thing out.
All three of us has said at one time or another that our fathers can't just act like they've been in our lives for the past 30+ years (which they all have acted as tho they have).
Something that just occurred to me while I was listening to my friend was that all three of us expect our dad to be the dad they should have been when we were kids. What are fathers suppose to be like when they return into their adult children's lives? I think if we can get that answered (and accept it), that may be ½ the battle.
I imagine any of you knowing exactly what we've experienced by not having our fathers, searching for them and then being disappointed. I know most reunions don't survive, but I would do almost anything to see her make it with her dad. She's such a sweet person and deserves the very best... and since her dad has made an effort, it's up the her to let go of some of the pain and work thru it.
We know what it's like to go thru the emotional roller coaster, but what does a father go thru?
Clarification/Follow-up by Cindy71 on 08/18/03 12:22 pm:
what children? I am the child that was abandoned by my father. I have met some of my younger siblings, but they idealize our father and can't seem to uderstand why there's anger built up in me and why I don't idealize him.
I'm not sure what you are asking me? "Why you were apart and why it is that you can return now". What "apart" and "return". I haven't returned, I have't spoken to my father in over 3 years.
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